Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
