apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
