is your mom at the bar?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
