I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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