Duck Duck Cougar?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
