Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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