i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
