Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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