apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
