Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
