i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
