He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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