Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
