sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
