I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize