So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
