I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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