i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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