when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize