I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize