K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
