My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
