I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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