I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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