Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
