You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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