You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
is that a dick in a sweater?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
