If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
