I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
