I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
