my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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