Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
