I can text with my tongue
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
wow bdsm is so cute
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
