And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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