JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
