Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
They have beer where we have blood.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
