I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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