Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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