NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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