when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize