There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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