I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize