How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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