when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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