she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
