I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
