its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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