btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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