i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
