i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
