and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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