I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
