i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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