I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
