someone owes me an orgasm
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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