I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
