new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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