There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
