O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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