I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
be right there i have to get my cape
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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